


Running South

by Mrinalinee



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, As You Like It, F/M, Female Friendship, Femslash Subtext, Fusion, Season/Series 02, Women Disguised As Men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-10
Updated: 2010-06-10
Packaged: 2018-01-06 19:58:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrinalinee/pseuds/Mrinalinee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fools seldom differ.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Running South

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Mei and Glim for betaing and to Allothi for helping me figure out the shape of this fic when I was still too lazy to give it one. Title from Seamus Heaney.

The wood was damp, still green. Gwen didn't want to send Morgana back for more, but she didn't want to go back herself, not with dinner still unprepared and the night drawing in, cold and clear. She breathed in the heavy, low-lying air, rich with the scent of earth, and watched Morgana for a clue.

"Isn't it beautiful?" said Morgana, leaning back with a small smile.

Gwen sighed and snapped at the insects all around.

***

Morgana jolted upright.

“Did you hear anything?” she said.

Gwen listened to the forest’s stillness. “Nothing,” she told her.

“I thought I – “ Morgana dragged a hand through hair. “I thought I heard horses.”

“There’s nothing there,” said Gwen. Morgana gouged aimlessly at the ground; her fingers lost their rhythm. 

Gwen held Morgana’s back, the dark smell that rose from the earth, and waited for the unease to leave Morgana’s breath. Morning came, and shuttered through the trees, and she missed the proper sunrise, the undeserted streets, the early smells, baking and washing.

***

The court of Sir Bernard of Astolat had been bright but quiet and his daughter Elaine soft-voiced and high-heeled.

Gwen had watched Morgana, travel-worn, slip into easy diplomatic grace, her fingers tight against the table.

***

“Will you watch the jousting later?” said Elaine, as Gwen drew the water for Morgana’s bath.

Morgana considered. “I think we shall. It was kind of your father to arrange the tournament, only to provide us entertainment.”

Elaine stared at her.

“That was a joke,” said Morgana. “And I don’t suppose I will have to make the other one, about jousting,” and Elaine covered her mouth to hide her snickers. 

"I trust you have seen the illustrious Lancelot?" she said, when she had recovered. "He was here not one month hence. And he has excellent technique."

"Lancelot, of course," said Gwen. "A very brave knight, noble and good." She caught Morgana sneaking looks at her, but didn't return the movement. She had a moment's vision, of Elaine with lines of laughter around her eyes, shoeless in the grass, her hair a careless tangle around her shoulders.

Morgana was watching Elaine, too, and after she left, she turned to Gwen and said, "You have the straightest spine."

***

The flowers in their room were already fading.

***

Morgana said to Gwen, "I had a vision of her, her eyes drawn with grief, her hair a careless tangle. I'm worried. No good can come of this."

Morgana said to Elaine, "Lancelot is stupid. He clings to dreams that will never come to fruition and he believes himself kind and good but doesn't return kindness. He will hurt any who love him, and regret it, but he will do nothing to stop it even if he could."

Gwen watched Elaine's eyes crumple and said, low in her throat, "Be quiet, Morgana," and Morgana turned and their eyes caught, shocked.

***

Later they sat in Elaine's orchard and Elaine said to Morgana, "I understand your fear, and know it well. But we are young as the day is young, and what is life without a little grief?"

The apple blossoms fell thick around them, and Elaine laughed and gathered them into Morgana's lap. She twisted her hair ribbon between her hands and smiling, passed it Gwen.

***

In the woods once more, Gwen smoothed Elaine's ribbon between her thumb and forefinger. Morgana's eyes were closed and she said, without opening them, "We're not going back to Camelot."

"Morgana," said Gwen. "We can't stay here. We have food for two days only and the king will come looking for us." She was surprised at herself that she hadn't addressed her primary concern, that they lived in Camelot, that Morgana's assertion was ludicrous, nonsensical.

"We're not going back," said Morgana, high strung, her mouth gathering up at the ends like imperfect stitchery.

"I know," said Gwen, and did.

***

"I had a dream," said Morgana, hesitating.

"So did I," said Gwen. "It was quite a nice dream."

"Hmm," said Morgana, and Gwen sighed.

"Oh don't look at me like that. It's not what you're thinking. I don't even know what you're thinking."

"In my dream," said Morgana. "We were all in the woods, you and I and Arthur and Merlin. We fought bravely against injustice; we never used the pox to win a war. Mordred was there, a child no longer. I smiled at my reflection and watched my feet move in still water. The night came in, and it was vibrant, none of this thick stillness. And I- I felt like a child sometimes, powerless but quiet with it. My sword reflected the sunlight. We were so unafraid. I - it's stupid, isn't it."

"Mmm." Gwen brushed Morgana's hair back and bound it tight against her head with the ribbon that had been round Morgana's wrist. "It's not stupid." After a moment, she amended, "Maybe a little stupid."

***

"We must not be careless, if we are to hide ourselves in this way," said Morgana. "We must protect ourselves."

"All right," said Gwen, "What do you propose?"

***

“It was never in the plan,” said Gwen.

“Hmm?” Morgana’s eyes barely acknowledged her.

“You never intended to return to Camelot,” said Gwen. “You harlot. You’ve been planning this all along.” She could not keep the edge from her voice entirely.

Morgana pulled her cap over her eyes to disguise the grin there and dug her palms deep into her pockets, affecting a swagger. Her limbs were loose, discontinuous.

Gwen thought she had never looked less like a man.

***

It was too cold to go swimming, and Gwen told her so. But Morgana set her chin, and finally Gwen laughed and said, “Fine, I’m not your mother. But if you catch your death, don’t complain to me.”

“A plot!” Morgana’s smile creased her face, sharp. “What is this treachery? What will the king say when he finds that you had his ward killed in the night to be released of your duties?”

Gwen kept her silence, and Morgana gathered hers together.

She said, staring out at the lake, “Today I am reminded of Cornwall.”

The mist shuddered up from the gray water, the ripples of trees all around.

“Don’t – “ said Morgana. “It’s not - .” Unthinking, Gwen reached across the earth for her hand.

Gwen had often worn trousers before but not for any length of time, and she found that when the day reached its height they trapped the hot air uncomfortably, that she was never unaware of the fabric against her body. “Perhaps they allow some freedom of movement. Of a sort,” she conceded.

Morgana squeezed back.

***

On the third day of their self-imposed exile, they came upon Merlin in the woods.

"Stop!" he cried. "I will not hesitate to harm you." 

"Merlin," she said, moving forward cautiously. "It's me."

"How do you know my name?"

"It's me, Gwen. Merlin."

"I don't know you," he said.

"Merlin!"

He peered at her. "Gwen?" he said.

***

"We thought you were still at Sir Bernard’s court," said Merlin, on their way back to Morgana.

"We left early. The king thought diplomacy would quiet something in Morgana but I can't say-"

"You're not returning to Camelot." It was flat, unsurprised.

"No," she said. "And you?"

"Oh, we're on another of Arthur's idiotic quests. Some tusked beast is roaming the woods of Camelot, apparently. Gwen - "

"Camelot isn't good for her," she said. "But this - I don't think this will be any better."

***

Afterward she wished hadn't confided. Merlin took Morgana aside after they had eaten, and Gwen never learned what they spoke about, in serious, hushed voices.

***

"Merlin," she said. "You must not tell Arthur. It is his duty to tell the king and I - "

"Arthur isn't the king," snapped Merlin. He made an effort, it seemed, and gentled his tone. "But I understand. I can keep a secret, you know. I won't tell him."

She fumbled in the darkness. "I didn't mean -. I know you can keep -. Merlin -. " She heard her own voice, low, beseeching. "Please."

***

They came upon Arthur's camp the next day and were surprised to find Gaius there. They kept their pretense and Arthur watched them closely.

"You remind me of someone," he said to Gwen.

"A friend, perhaps? Your light of love?" She kept her voice light.

"No," he said. "Where do you come from? Who is your father?"

"My father is dead just recently. You would not know him; we did not come from Camelot."

"I'm sorry," he said.

She watched the patterns on the floor of the forest. "So am I," she said to him.

***

“Traveling entertainers,” Arthur repeated, slow.

“Yes,” Gwen assured him. “We’ve been separated from our caravan.”

“How?”

Gwen laughed, an ache that curled up out of her. “I followed Byrhtnoth,” she said, Morgana’s eyes slanting over her.

“And you entertain by – “

“Illusion,” said Morgana, who was now Byrhtnoth. “A dangerous thing these days, as it is often taken for magic by the unsophisticated, those who do not know to look closely.” She pulled a coin from behind his ear, some knobbly foreign currency, and smiled.

“It looks like magic to me,” said Arthur.

“No,” Morgana said. “Closer.”

***

She followed him into the woods, saying, “I’ve heard many tales of your exploits. Fantastic tales. Unbelievable ones. The people, they have the highest hopes for you.”

Arthur said, as if unwilling, as if the air had released some tension in him that he kept wound, “I think of my kingdom in twenty years, thirty years, and I do not know what to expect. My father is – “

“Mad with grief?” she suggested, and thought perhaps Arthur was not the only one. She sounded like Morgana, she thought.

“Misguided,” he said. “You should not talk of him that way. But his policies have been unsound. I cannot support them. Surely you, so well-traveled and not his subject, or mine, have seen the pain they have caused.”

She had seen the pain they had caused, but she floundered there, in some deep water. “You will repeal the ban on magic then?” she said.

“I do not think that is an option,” he said. “I have no wish to discuss policy with you. The people have lived in fear of magic so long; how can I tell them they’ve been lied to for so long? But magic is dangerous. But fear is no way to live. Merlin – “

“Merlin,” she said, and her voice shivered across the ground. The leaves drifted around them, caught between her shredding fingers.

“It is my duty to protect the innocent,” he said, no longer talking to her. She wondered if he ever had been. “Even the simple.”

“What do you propose then?” she said.

He rolled his shoulders. “I don’t know,” he said.

***

Arthur left them to hunt down dinner, and on some pretext Merlin pulled Gwen and Morgana aside.

“I’m sorry for – “ he started. “Morgana, can you put down that knife please? I’d feel more comfortable. I told Gaius, but he won’t tell Arthur, I swear. He’s good at keeping secrets. Look he wouldn’t stay in Camelot, alright? He seems to think I’m not safe these days.”

He blinked; his eyes shifted. “Morgana, there’s something I have to – “

He never finished.

***

She said to Arthur, as she would never say to Morgana, "Sometimes I fear the future." Morgana despised weakness.

She said, "Sometimes I feel that my trust is right, but it is not enough. Sometimes - "

"Yes," said Arthur. "I know."

***

"In my dream," said Morgana, "the world was so bright and we had nothing to fear from Camelot."

"You can't talk like this," Gwen said. "It's not safe anymore."

***

Arthur laughed. "What are you? Sixteen? Seventeen?"

"I'm past twenty," she told him.

"Well, you don't look it," he replied, unconvinced. "I've never met a man of twenty whose voice was as high as yours. You don't even look like you shave. How could you hold a sword?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" she said. "You've told me that you've been trained to fight from birth. Did you leave the womb with a razor in your hand? I can only pity your mother."

He laughed. "I suppose there are many things I don't know about you. The only person who would speak to me the way you do -. But of course you're not hapless."

***

Gwen woke and saw that Morgana had slid out between the trees. She collected herself, left her shoes, followed behind.

Morgana sat with her back to them, her hair untwisted, heedless. As Gwen approached her, her body collapsed as if fractured in unknowable places, collapsed into Gwen, her sobs heavy, falling from a great height. In Camelot the sunlight entered bright through the windows, and Morgana glared at it and pulled the covers over her head, fending it off. The _clip clip clip_ of her shoes against stone, cornered by the nobility, tumbling dizzy on wine, worn pages of her books: it was never going to be easy here, where you could be anyone you wanted, but only if it was not you.

“Come now, Byrhtnoth the Bloody. Wipe your childish tears. What kind of man gives in to tears?” she said, and pulled the hair from Morgana’s face. 

“Oh, I could tell you stories,” said Morgana, and her voice was dried up like her tears, so worn through that the only fabric there existed to give semblance to the holes. She stood up to reach the burden of her grief once more.

They walked towards the camp and Morgana’s knuckles bumped up against her; and it was a thing that was no longer comfort only.

***

“I’m an idiot,” he announced.

“Oh?” She barely looked up. “Really?”

“Oh, be quiet,” he said. “The truth is – the truth is I’m in love these past months and I dare not speak of it to anyone.” 

“Oh?” she said. “With - ?” Her gaze trailed Merlin across the camp.

“Don’t be stupid.” He sighed.

“Don’t be dramatic,” she said.

He blinked. “It’s not Morgana, either, if that’s what you’re thinking. Morgana, my – the king’s ward. Her maid. I’m in love with her maid, like a fucking - .”

“A servant,” she said. She felt her legs, long and languid, the ankles of her trousers sloshing around her own ankles.

“A servant. And I could have any woman I wanted. ” 

“You’re a prince.” A laugh shivered through her, and she wondered what she meant by it. 

“Exactly.” He ran his fingers along the edge of his knife and picked up the whetstone again. “Don’t be an arse. I love my kingdom. But sometimes I think, my father has ruled all these years with no marriage of convenience to bind Albion to him. And _that_ Albion, that Albion is the one that will pass to me. I can be the king that my people need me to be, and still have her heart only, the way she looks at me that no one else can.” She looked at him.

“And you wish me to propose for you?” she suggested.

“An idle fancy,” he said. “I just needed an ear.”

“A shoulder to cry on,” she said. “And Merlin’s a servant.”

“Of course not,” he said, fierce, and drove the point of the knife into the ground.

***

She listened to Gaius's whispered conference with Arthur. "We cannot stay here, Arthur. I don't know what your plan is, but it is foolish. You are behaving like a foolish child, and cannot imagine why I agreed to this. Grow up."

"Your robe is getting dirty," called Merlin from across the camp.

***

“I cannot keep Merlin in Camelot,” said Arthur.

"Have you asked Merlin what he wants?" she asked. "Have you even spoken to him about this?"

"Don't talk to me like that," snapped Arthur.

She felt his thumb against her jaw. "You - " he said.

Her voice was unbalanced. "No wonder you have with trouble with women; how could you not, when you're so flighty?"

"I don't have trouble with - "

"No," she said, quietly reveling. "Of course you don't."

***

“I’ve never understood all those poems, about warriors who run off and wander about and are miserable,” said Merlin, indistinctly through his food.

“That’s because you’ve never seen battle,” said Arthur.

“Neither have you, really. And if you have, then I’ve seen you in battle; that should count for something.”

“All that solitude can’t be good for you,” Gwen agreed.

“Certainly wasn’t good for the king,” said Morgana to general silence, of various sorts.

Merlin swallowed and prodded the fire with inexpert hands. “I should miss the company of women.”

“That’s because you are a woman,” said Arthur. Gwen thought she caught Morgana shaping the words with him.

“Does he have access to their secret conferences?” said Gwen, curious.

“I, for one, wouldn’t want that access,” said Morgana. She stretched out, and kicked the fire; the sparks jumped. “Probably twittering all day about their hair and clothes.”

“Who knows what women talk about?” said Arthur.

***

Merlin came crashing back, having sighted the tusked thing; and Gaius opted to stay with Morgana and her. She took one look at Morgana's face and suggested that they go on the hunt instead.

"You should stay here," said Merlin.

"I'm sure they can take care of themselves," said Arthur.

"No," said Gaius, flat. "That would be most unwise."

***

“It was enormous,” Merlin told them. “The biggest thing I’ve ever seen. It had a trunk, like a fifth limb, and it picked up Arthur and almost killed him. I had to kill it, of course.”

“It was a magical thing?” said Morgana.

“It must have been. How could it have been anything else?”

Arthur’s armor reshuffled and resettled; his shoulders were shaking. “I cannot dream forever,” he said. “We must return to Camelot.”

Morgana stared at him. “Why now?” she asked. “Was it because you almost died? Were you afraid?”

“He should have been, but he’s stupid,” said Merlin. “He probably still thought he could kill it himself, all up in the air like that.”

Arthur glared at him. “I am the prince,” he said. “I cannot keep two lives, and keep one from my kingdom. And Merlin has proved today that he cannot be anywhere without me.”

“I got along just fine before, thank you so much,” said Merlin, and when Gwen looked to Morgana and saw Morgana looking at her, she realized the decision was hers as it had never been before.

“The hell with this,” she said, and tugged off her cap.

"Guinevere," gasped Arthur and she and Morgana exchanged looks. 

"Well, I had to protect her from the king's tyranny," said Morgana, shrugging. "He killed her father. How could I be sure he would not come back for her?"

"I don't - " said Gwen. 

"Morgana," gasped Arthur, and Gwen and Morgana exchanged looks again.

***

"An elephant," said Gwen, remembering images in books.

"An elephant - " said Merlin.

"Yes," she said.

***

"You lied to me," said Arthur. "You and Morgana both."

"I had to protect her," said Gwen. "I couldn't - "

Arthur's laugh was a harsh thing in the back of his throat. "You had to - . Don't be - " he stopped. "How can I trust you?" he said instead.

"How can I trust you?" she said, "You professed to love me but never spoke a word of it _to_ me, and then you ran off with the first person you saw. How can I trust you if even now you will not speak to me as plainly as you did when I kept my hair under a cap and faked a strut?"

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Arthur.

“Don’t – “ he said. “You can’t understand,” but she did, and didn’t want to.

***

“You must do what you think is best,” said Morgana. “What you think is right.”

“I always do,” said Gwen. She looped Morgana’s hair and bound it back, smoothing it between finger and thumb. “You, of course – “

“I _don’t_ think,” said Morgana.

“I’ve noticed.”

“Because I am blessed with superior knowledge of right and wrong.” Morgana smiled up at her; her mouth flattened a little, just at the corners.

***

“Um. I, um, I accept your apology,” she said to him.

“What are you on about?” He snapped the words up. “I have nothing to apologize for. All this time in Morgana’s company, must have driven you - .”

She waited.

“Fine. Fine I apologize for whatever imagined slight I caused you.”

She smiled at the ground. “And I accept your apology.”

His shoulders dropped; she noticed the way his clothes shook out. “Guinevere – “ he said.  
She said nothing.

"Well," he said. "You only lied to me once. I suppose we can call it even," and Gwen saw the all the edges of the past few days folded and tucked away into neatness.

***

"I suppose we could get married, too," said Merlin, sideways to Morgana. Morgana blinked at him.

***

“Gaius,” said Morgana, and something that Gwen saw in her eyes frightened, but it was unnameable, unknowable. “May I speak with you for a moment?”

“Child,” said Gaius, “I would advise you not to accept Merlin’s offer. It’s far beneath you, and I don’t mean your station.”

“Good,” she said, over Merlin’s protests. “And now I have some advice for you as well.” And she walked off with Gaius into the woods.

***

"Children," said Gaius. "I'm afraid I will not be returning with you."

"The lure of forest has got to you too, Gaius?" said Merlin, laughing. 

“Merlin,” said Gaius. “For once in your life try to have some sense. This is not a joke.”

Gwen saw the second Merlin realized it was true, and she felt the old ache return. “Gaius, you can’t - . I have so much I need to learn. Without you - . I need you.”

"I have realized that I can no longer live in Camelot," said Gaius. "The years that I have lived there are resting heavily on my mind. You must go on without me. I have decided to take a life of spiritual solitude."

He said, "I expect you to bring me my books, Merlin, and if I hear that you have damaged anything in my workshop, I assure you, you will hear from me."

***

Merlin came to them, and crouched down, eyes fixed on the ground. “You don’t have to come back with us,” he said. “Arthur doesn’t want you to feel that you have been forced.”

“I – I don’t know what we will do,” said Gwen. “We haven’t yet decided.”

Morgana said, “I feel that I have been dreaming forever. I will return to Camelot. I do not know what waits for me there.” 

“Morgana,” Gwen said, following her, and Morgana turned around to her and closed her eyes, tugging at the sleeve of her dress. 

“Yeah,” she said. “Yes.”

***

“Did you need anything then?” she said.

“Guinevere,” he said.

“I’m afraid that didn’t answer the question.” She allowed herself a laugh.

“I – “ he said.

She waited.

***

They reached the beaten down road to Camelot as the day began to be rubbed out over the horizon. Merlin was drawn up with grief, and Gwen smoothed a hand over his back, smoothed her thumb over Morgana’s knuckles.

She smiled at Arthur, and it was broken and warm in her mouth; and he smiled back at her, sliding into the sunset.

***

Gwen opened her eyes and leaned back against the tree, breathing in the slow air, the thick smell of apple blossoms. She rested her hand on Morgana's pulse, skittish like a rabbit's. "Morgana," she said. "Wake up."

She watched Morgana move without opening her eyes, watched the pattern of trees shift on her face, in the fall of her hair. "I'm awake," Morgana said.

**Author's Note:**

> The name that Gwen chooses for Morgana is from _The Battle of Maldon_ , a poem carrying a fictionalized account of an actual 10th century battle that ended - poorly, to say the least.


End file.
